Memoir Of A Lost Pilgrim

There is a beginning of all, even the smallest that for most seems unimportant. And of course there is a beginning for my story. It started many years ago when I was just a happy living-his-life teenager back in my hometown. As usual my days were filled with school works but at the same time my teenage instinct being a daredevil was also my preoccupation. Nothing could replace the satisfaction of booby-trapping a master or doing the most filthy pranks on the others.

Yes that was life! But the life I knew was quickly erased in front of me the moment I journeyed into the new world; no turning back... I wish I could. All the good times that I once knew are just memories now. Each day that I slowly pass in the new world doesn't mean a thing for me. The days are plain, the agony deep inside strangles and I am a prisoner of my own wise decision.

I regret having my own liberty prematurely. It's just not right. I still need time to spend my teenhood alongside my buddies. Where was my head the day I made the decision? I thought being free, far from my folks and having no one to babysit me was fun. Yeah, it was, but for a short period of time only. Then I start to realize what I've missed. I've overran my own youth. If I could just go back to the day that I took my exams.. I'd try not to pass with flying colours..just an ordinary score..just credits in everything.

An old saying goes 'You learn from your mistakes'. Big deal! I learnt from mine that most mistakes make make you regret a lot. But on the other side, being in a new world isn't that bad after all. Still...I regret it. I came to see new things, little or no new experience, a few new friends, a lot of crap..and..what else..? I came to the new world to continue my struggle but what's the struggle without any heart. My spirit is elsewhere, there where I left it once upon a time. I don't even know if what I'm doing here is done of obligation or of my own dream. Some other people can manage through the challenges they face in this world, some others surrender and some others, they just flow along but in fact they're dead.

I envy my brother back home who lives his life the way I wished I've lived mine and being able to concentrate on his struggling at the same time. He has a life, not me. He took the right decision (at my point of view) by not accepting the journey that I made. I could have stayed a few years ago if it wasn't for a buddy who advised me against my decision. And I followed his advice because the best advice that one will get is from a real pal. At that time the exit was still possible but I just couldn't let a buddy down..no way.

To be a man one will have to voluntarily hold the burden that weighs upon his shoulder and to upfront the consequences of his doings with pride and honour. To survive he will have to use his mind at the upmost and be prepared for any outcomes. That was the lesson that I took during my life. I've lost a lot while living my life in this world. I knew bad times and I knew the real meaning of a dull, boring life. My pride, my identity and my self-confidence was the price for my integration into the new society and the sacrifice was unfelt until it was too late. The moment I realised that I've gone way too far, I just couldn't get back ashore.